(an 'anonymous' male Sunday morning mumble)
I could tell this was going to be a very bad day to go to church. Just getting out of bed was tough enough.. and the Sunday paper was calling my name…. “psst fella, over here… read me!” The coffee was brewing, and it called out to me too.. “hey guy, slow down.. it’s Sunday.” So, I listened to the voices.. I grabbed the paper, a cup of coffee.. and I was ready for no-action.
Now I am a good Christian man, but sometimes as the leader of our family it is important to declare a family day!.. meaning.. we stay home from church so we can spend time together bonding. Ok, ok.. family day is actually code for I WANT TO STAY HOME AND NOT SHOWER UNTIL NOON… drink a pot of coffee, and read the Sunday funnies, and the sports section.
Well I may be the head of the house, BUT my wife wants to leave our home and sing with the other blessed saints at our church. Sing? I don’t like to sing, and I know the people I go to church with, and while they are nice people.. SAINTS they AINT.
So off we go to church leaving my Sunday morning paper and my coffee at home. “goodbye paper! Goodbye coffee!”… We have often traveled this familiar road to that familiar church with a backseat loaded with our darlin’ children who set the mood by bickering and fighting the whole blessed drive to church… which put me SOOO in the mood to worship. NOT!
So I drive on lamenting the ‘family day’ lost.
Then we arrive to the blessed house of God and put on our happy faces. In the fellowship area they do have coffee.. but it is not STARBUCKS, or Folgers, or even SANKA. I like my coffee strong and black, but my church serves it in the traditional big ALUMINUM DRUM that has been used but not cleaned since the Eisenhower Administration. This is not real coffee, but I still down a couple cups of brew to keep me awake for what is to come.
After the formalities of coffee we move to the church sanctuary. There are no cushy theater seating at our church but instead we have traditional wooden (with no pads) church pews so I sit and pray for a sliver free service. The sanctuary is not really so crowded, but I am a big guy, and the ambiance falls short in comfort to sitting in MY living room drinking MY coffee, and reading MY Sunday paper.. in MY PJs!! … BUT I DIGRESS… again!
The Worship Leader at church is a bit over the top, and his Las Vegas flair certainly is noticeable during his rendition of ‘The King is Coming’.. This only serves to bring the ‘worship wonders’ out of the wood work. I don’t sing so ‘gooder’, and my sense of rhythm is that of a badger with back spasms. IT’S NOT PRETTY… But no worry.. we have all the charismaniacs types to make up for me… performing I guess for style points. We have Bullwinkle, Six-shooter Sam, Holey Harry Holman, and I sitting right behind a guy with the plumbers backside with hands raised high.
Even when the people are not hootin’ and hollerin’ they are peculiar.. AND past Sunday mornings have not been free of controversy. There was the Head-Lice epidemic of 1994. The Cal Ripken of ushers who should have just taken a sick day instead of infecting and grossing out the parishioners one communion Sunday in 1998. AND .. with regards to our church being full of grace.. well NOT to the repeat offenders who dare fall asleep during the sermon.
The offering/guilt plate is of course passed which I with a smirk said..”no thanks, I am trying to cut back on giving.” My smirk moves to a cringe at the sight of our pastor as he saunters up to the pulpit… armed only with one lapel microphone and the word of God… both which he seems to overuse.
Pastor's words and mannerisms are direct, and passionate, but with his zipper accidentally left wide OPEN that less than holy smirk returns to my face and I PRAY “Dear God please keep me from giggling!” Nothing sounds sillier than a big man giggling at church!
So there you have it. I do hope and pray there are jewels in my crown someday when I get to Heaven because on this day.. I WAS AT CHURCH worshiping with the saints and aints when I wanting to be home worshiping God in my own way with my new Virtual Reality Church System.
signed - some anonymous guy
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are the views of an 'anonymous guy' and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Back Pew. :)
The mutterings on life and faith by cartoonist Jeff Larson