Category: Bible

8/5/2019

Aflack Apocrypha

It is common knowledge in the church that all those who accept Jesus Christ as their savior automatically receive an eternal life insurance (ELI)plan protecting them from Hell Fire . This ELI plan is a must for all those who value eternity.., I highly recommend it. No monthly premiums to remember, so why not sign up today.

But, besides the ELI policy featured in the Gospels I was concerned regarding the life and health insurance needs for an extremely violent Old Testament. What happens what tragedy strikes?Then after researching Google and after about 7 red bulls at 3 as.m. I uncovered a little known but powerful insurance plan known as the Aflack Apocrypha Comprehensive Insurance Plan (AACI). AACI covered the following significant Bible moments and more..

Goliath showing concussion symptoms was covered by the 'rock in the head' clause.
Sisera's splitting headache that Excedrin would not touch covered by the 'tent stake to the noggin' clause.
Everyone on that Jericho Wall was built in compliance to OSHA regulations.. so AACI was there for the survivors of this fall. Unfortunately there were no survivors except Rahab.
Abimelech.. would have benefited with the above 'rock on head' clause. (see Goliath) but the details of the accident were attempted to be covered up.
Eutychus.. who had a great fall but recovered. But had he died.. AACI would have covered the cost of his funeral.
Pharaoh .. Did not have insurance to cover even one of the seven plagues, or the tragedy at the crossing of the Red Sea. STBY (stinks to be you) Pharaoh.

Other probable insurance claims I noticed were..

The Lost digit clause came in handy for King Adoni-Bezek
Had Eglon survived he would was a good candidate for back surgery... to have that 'SWORD' removed. Fortunately Ehud had a 'no fault' clause when using his sword in his AACI and so no legal actions were taken against him.
Insurance when you are seriously, VERY SERIOUSLY sick with worms. YES, there is a worms clause.
Coverage for loss of home, family, and health, and your name is Job
pet insurance is offered for damage to property or.. the risk of being their LUNCH.
and finally accidental drowning during a baptism and fiery furnace clauses are all bundled into AACI.

So there you have it.. The Aflack Apocrypha (AACI) . We were the original 'We know a thing or two cuz we've seen a thing or two' insurance company.

Note: I am pretty sure this illustrated blog/writing/policy outline will NOT become an accepted part of the canon of scripture, but I am ok with that.

May God bless you with health and good insurance... and a future in Heaven with our Jesus.

Jeff

note: Confession, I never googled the Alfack Apocrypha.. I made it up.. (insert shock & awe here). I don't drink red bulls, and I certainly at my age am not up at 3 a.m. unless I have to pee. TMI TMI

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2/16/2018

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Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLe!

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

The classic Bible story of David and Goliath found In 1 Samuel 17 seems to be the perfect illustration of what the Apostle Paul wrote many years later in Romans 8:31. The mano a mano battle between the Philistine Behemoth War machine Goliath and the little Shepherd boy David son of Jesse had Las Vegas bookmakers of course laying heavy odds on a first round knock out.

In one corner (actually on a hillside) stood Goliath. He is a 9' tall lean mean killing machine whose mere presence has the armies of Israel shaking in their boots.. while others piddled in theirs.

And a very Monty Python like battle cry.. "RUN AWAY RUN AWAY" was heard through out the land.

In the other corner (actually the other hillside) King Saul who was the big man on campus (head and shoulders above the rest) was NOT 9' tall. So he promised one of his daughters as the literal 'trophy wife' for the man who would come forward and challenge Big Bad Goliath.

But.. the idea of being known as the soon to be 'DEAD' at the hands of a GIANT son in law of the king was met with resounding silence.. except the sound of the knocking of the knees of Israel's First 'chicken' Brigade. I guess none of these soldiers had read Romans 8:31.

Enter stage left.. David who shows up to deliver brown paper bag lunches (PB&J sandwiches, apple, bag of chips, and gatorade) to his brothers. Ok, not sure about the menu, but he was sent by his dad Jesse BUT when David overheard the 9' tall heathen windbag taunting the one and only true God he was all in to taking down Mr. Fee Fi Fo Fum! Up until now David's battle resume was as a defender of .. 'sheep'. But as noted by personal reference Sal the Sheep, 'David had killed lions, (maybe tigers) and bears OH MY and he was one baaaa-d dude."

I guess Saul thought to better you than me and loaded up David with all his armor from the big & tall King section.

David looked more like the tin man from Wizard of Oz than a mighty warrior and so David shed all this oversized armor and instead traveled light with 5 smooth stones, a sling, and most importantly his Faith in the One True God.

Goliath even taunts David calling him a dog. Then as the LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE announcement is made over the hillside, the bell rings and both men leave their respective corners (er a hillsides) to do battle in the valley.

The Thrilla in Pallestinia
From all published accounts (1 Samuel 17) the battle was over before it really began. But in the very first 'David defeats Goliath' story-line it was a FIRST ROUND KNOCKOUT for the ages. Not until years later when Rocky Balboa defeated Apollo Creed have the Las Vegas odds-makers been so wrong.

David drops Goliath with one smooth stone square in his thick skull dropping him like a 9' tall sack of philistine potatoes. David then pulls Goliath's own sword from his sheath kills Golaith and cuts off his head and returns it to Saul.

Further investigations of the Crime Scene confirmed the details of the battle. Crime Scene smelled like sheep, Stone shaped indentation in vic's head matched stone near crime scene. Vic's own sword was used to sever head of the big man... BUT it appears it was not suicide. DUH.. how does someone cut off their own head?

Moral of the Story.. of every story is again found in the words of the Apostle Paul

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

No matter the GIANT in your life.. remember the rest of Romans 8

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? .. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

May God bless and use all you Davids in ways that are beyond your dreams and all that God intended for His glory. Amen.

Jeff (Giant Killer) Larson

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Aflack Apocrypha

Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLe!

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