Cartoonist/Illustrator - Jeff Larson
Minnesota
 I was in our master bathroom where around the bathroom vanity there were 29 separate items.. four of which were mine. I have a razor, toothbrush, deodorant, and toothpaste (the toothpaste I share with my wife).. the rest belong to my bride. Included in the other 25 or so items is a bag of makeup… so in reality the total is much more one sided. BUT.. if I trim my beard and a few whiskers are left around the sink.. the countenance of my bride darkens… but do I ever complain about ‘OUR’ bathroom vanity covered with a cosmetology collective of spray bottles, brushes, lip STUFF, hair dryers and the like?? Do I?? <pause> Oh wait, I guess I am now.. BUT NOT TO HER FACE… so that does not count.  This brings me to a similar subject.. a ‘WOMAN'S PURSE’. To me this is much like a Magician’s Hat.. where my wife will ask me for example to get her car keys from her purse for her. I cringe as I know THIS WILL NOT BE EASY.. so with my mouth hanging open, and my brow furrowed I look inside into the unending collection of ‘necessities’.. A LADY'S LABYRINTH of no end! Even though her purse is very typical in size.. when you look inside it seems to go on forever. I finally closed my eyes, reached in and pulled out a rabbit, but no car keys. She then smirks, reached in her purse without taking her eyes off me and retrieves her keys with a look that said to me “are you blind?” Another time when looking for a blessed stick of gum I caught a glimpse of what I believe was a secret passage to the Land of Narnia behind her cellphone, tic tacs, and what appeared to be a magnum 44 hand gun.. but I found the gum became distracted and lost sight of the Narnia portal. Also, there is a third mystery I would like to share..  READY, SET, GO! With my razor, toothbrush, deodorant, and a clean pair of jeans I can be ready for church in less than 15 minutes from shower to starting the car.. while my wife the process is a tad longer.. A REALLY BIG TAD. I mean.. Mary must choose between outfits to wear, and does not use the guy-proven method of preparation which is … wear what is clean OR.. do the quick smell test if we are not sure if that shirt left on the floor the other week is still ok for a little Sunday morning hand raising. Then again, Mary does look and smell better than me... but if it were a race, the safe money is on me. So what is my spiritual message today? <insert reflective pause here> Maybe if for no other reason man and woman are meant for each other so.. guys don't go to church dressed like the fella in the above picture.. and men are good for woman to.. umm.. to.. umm.. kill and/or protect the fairer sex from mice and spiders? .. and open jars. YES, we are good at opening jars. That's all I got, I am drawing a blank.  Seriously, may God bless and use each of you today in ways that are beyond your dreams. For you ladies may you find your bathroom vanities whisker free, and your man willing and able to navigate the Estrogen Ocean of your purse without making any comments.
Jeff (Survivor on Estrogen Island) Larson 6/26/2022 Marriage is a Beautiful Mystery It is not good for man to be alone. God decided this before the ink dried when writing second chapter of Genesis was penned. Genesis 2:18 Adam's socks were all over the Garden. Dirty dishes were everywhere, and all man did was sit around watching ball games on TV telling knock knock jokes.. to himself. Besides, Adam was not even using that rib. Note: It is not good for man to be alone? Or is it not good for man to be 'unsupervised'? This question was raised by a reader the last time I posted this blog topic.  So it was clear then and is now it was not good for man to be alone UNLESS his only choice is a described in Proverbs 21:19.. then God advises.. get a room on the second floor of a one story home. The view is spectacular and the quiet is so .. quiet. Of course there is much more to be said about God's Gender Odd Couple (man & wife). Both common sense and God's word make this abundantly clear.  One of my favorite verses to take out of context is Ephesians 5:22 Wives SUBMIT to your husbands. This is an annoying verse to my wife Mary when I take too long to pause and ponder this 'great' scripture without continuing to read the next 11 verses. I even try to convince her that there are only 22 verses in Ephesians 5. She is not amused proving women have no true sense of humor. But when I get serious and take time to read Ephesians 5:21-33 in a modern translation like The Message (MSG) my smirky bell-ringing stereotype of 5:22 goes silent. 21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The Husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. 29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. There you have it, just like when Jesus taught us how to pray in 5 short verses (Mt 6:9-13), now Paul shares how to have a happy marriage in 13 short verses (Eph 5:21-33). This scripture of a good marriage does inspire me to love, cherish and appreciate my wife, BUT I also do see in verse 32 Paul admits.. This is a huge mystery and I don't pretend to understand. Well Paul, welcome to my Marriage Mystery Club with a membership of about a BA-ZILLION!  Marriage truly is a beautiful mystery though our different emotional and processing 'wiring' often do create a few sparks. Just know even in the best of marriages you can count on your share of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, disagreements, a few tears, and if looks could kill..
I WOULD BE DEAD 1000 times over! In the end most days most of us both love our spouse to death, and are scratching our heads wondering what planet they are from. May God bless each of you that are married with spouses that are described in Eph 5:21-33, and not Proverbs 21:19. Jeff final note: It has been a tough year for me physically (3 surgeries, and a hospital stay) and.. I turn 65 shortly. BUT in this year of pondering life I thank God to have been involved in this beautiful mystery with my beautiful wife for almost 38 years. I truly thank God for my wife as she is the blessing to me that I truly cherish. 6/26/2021 A Woman's Purse 2021 I was in our master bathroom where around the bathroom vanity there were 29 separate items.. four of which were mine. I have a razor, toothbrush, deodorant, and toothpaste (the toothpaste I share with my wife).. the rest belong to my bride. Included in the other 25 or so items is a bag of makeup… so in reality the total is much more one sided. BUT.. if I trim my beard and a few whiskers are left around the sink.. the countenance of my bride darkens… but do I ever complain about ‘OUR’ bathroom vanity covered with a cosmetology collective of spray bottles, brushes, lip STUFF, hair dryers and the like?? <pause> Oh wait, I guess I am now.. BUT NOT TO HER FACE… so that does not count. This brings me to a similar subject.. a ‘WOMAN'S PURSE’.  To me this is much like a Magician’s Hat.. where my wife will ask me for example to get her car keys from her purse for her. I cringe as I know THIS WILL NOT BE EASY.. so with my mouth hanging open, and my brow furrowed I look inside into the unending collection of ‘necessities’.. A LADY'S LABYRINTH of no end! Even though her purse is very typical in size.. when you look inside it seems to go on forever. I finally closed my eyes, reached in and pulled out a rabbit, but no car keys. She then smirks, reached in her purse without taking her eyes off me and retrieves her keys with a look that said to me “are you blind?” Another time when looking for a blessed stick of gum I caught a glimpse of what I believe was a secret passage to the Land of Narnia behind her cellphone, tic tacs, and what appeared to be a magnum 44 hand gun.. but I found the gum became distracted and lost sight of this Narnia portal. Also, there is a third mystery I would like to share..  With my razor, toothbrush, deodorant, and a clean pair of jeans I can be ready for church in less than 15 minutes from shower to starting the car.. while my wife the process is a tad longer.. A REALLY BIG TAD.
I mean.. Mary must choose between outfits to wear, and does not use the guy-proven method of preparation which is … wear what is clean OR.. do the quick smell test if we are not sure if that shirt left on the floor the other week is still ok for a little Sunday morning hand raising. Then again, Mary does look and smell better than me... but if it were a race, the safe money is on me. So what is my spiritual message today? <insert reflective pause here> Maybe if for no other reason man and woman are meant for each other so.. guys don't go to church dressed like the fella in the above picture.. and men are good for woman to.. umm.. to.. umm.. kill and/or protect the fairer sex from mice and spiders? That's all I got, I am drawing a blank. Seriously, may God bless and use each of you today in ways that are beyond your dreams. For you ladies may you find your bathroom vanities whisker free, and your man willing and able to navigate the Estrogen Ocean of your purse without making any comments. Jeff (Survivor on Estrogen Island) Larson 6/23/2021 Marriage .. the Beautiful Mystery It is not good for man to be alone. God decided this before the second chapter of Genesis was over. Genesis 2:18 Adam's socks were all over the Garden. Dirty dishes were everywhere, and all man did was sit around watching ball games on TV telling knock knock jokes.. to himself. Besides, Adam was not even using that rib.  So it was clear then and is now it was not good for man to be alone UNLESS his only choice is a described in Proverbs 21:19.. then God advises.. get a room on the second floor of a one story home. The view is spectacular and the quiet is so .. quiet. Of course there is much more to be said about God's Gender Odd Couple (man & wife). Both common sense and God's word make this abundantly clear.  One of my favorite verses to take out of context is Ephesians 5:22 Wives SUBMIT to your husbands. This is an annoying verse to my wife Mary when I take too long to pause and ponder this 'great' scripture without continuing to read the next 11 verses. I even try to convince her that there are only 22 verses in Ephesians 5. She is not amused proving women have no true sense of humor. But when I get serious and take time to read Ephesians 5:21-33 in a modern translation like The Message (MSG) my smirky bell-ringing stereotype of 5:22 goes silent. 21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The Husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. 29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. There you have it, just like when Jesus taught us how to pray in 5 short verses (Mt 6:9-13), now Paul shares how to have a happy marriage in 13 short verses (Eph 5:21-33). This scripture of a good marriage does inspire me to love, cherish and appreciate my wife, BUT I also do see in verse 32 Paul admits.. This is a huge mystery and I don't pretend to understand. Well Paul, welcome to my Marriage Mystery Club with a membership of about a BA-ZILLION!
Marriage truly is a beautiful mystery though our different emotional and processing 'wiring' often do create a few sparks. Just know even in the best of marriages you can count on your share of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, disagreements, a few tears, and if looks could kill.. I WOULD BE DEAD 1000 times over! In the end most days most of us both love our spouse to death, and are scratching our heads wondering what planet they are from. May God bless each of you that are married with spouses that are described in Eph 5:21-33, and not Proverbs 21:19. Jeff Before I discuss the Old Testament equivalent to E-Harmony let me give a Genesis update where in Genesis 20 where Abraham AGAIN fibs a bit. He is not even original as he tells Abimelek King of Gerar that Sarah is his sister. So Abimilek took Sarah into his house .. until God spoke to Abimelek in a dream with the words "You are a dead man walking for taking a married woman from my prophet." But God showed mercy on Abimilek as he had not come near her yet. The next day he gave Sarah back and Abe tried to explain himself in verse 12 (paraphrased).. "Well, technically she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife." Sounds less like a passage from the Holy Bible and more like a Reality TV show 'The Real Housewives of the Region of the Negev between Kadesh and Shur'. Q. Why do Kings and Pharaohs of this time desire 80+ year old women? Not judging, just asking for a friend'.  Next in Genesis 21 we learn Sarah becomes pregnant in her old age. This was before gender reveal parties so Abraham and Sarah had to wait the traditional 9 months before they exclaimed "It's a boy, and we shall call him Isaac." In celebration then passed out blue cupcakes, and drank blue kool-aid... cuz of course boys are BLUE and girls are PINK. Now onward and forward we go..  Now remember when maidservant Hagar in Genesis 16, was given to Abraham 'by Sarah' and they had a son. This fact now complicated life where tensions and jealousy rose between Hagar and her son Ishmael with Sarah and baby Isaac. So Abraham sent Hagar and Ishmael packing. I obviously do not understand this whole dynamic or know how to justify this.. except I do know that Hagar and Ishmael were not how God would bless Abraham. Instead Abraham would become the father of a nation through the birth of Isaac. This story is harsh, but in these verses we learn God heard the cries of Hagar .. the angel of God called to Hagar from Heaven "Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying ..Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.” Ge 21:17  Next, in Genesis 22 there is a plot twist when God tests Abraham by instructing him to sacrifice his only son Isaac whom he loved dearly. Abraham was faithful in this test and of course God stops Abe from sacrificing Isaac by providing a lamb to be sacrificed. Notes to ponder.. Note 1: I confess I may have 'figuratively' threatened to kill my boys when they were acting out as teenagers. Note 2: Isaac being saved was very good news for the literal future of Israel. Note 3: Not a good day to be a lamb stuck by dumb luck in a thicket.  Moving forward in reading Genesis 22:21 we are introduced to my favorite names in the Bible. Uz and Buz (not LIghtyear) but instead the sons of Nahor. Not much is said about these two fine young men leaving this cartoonist with time on his hands to imagine they were chick magnets and had a cousin named.. Fuzz. Maybe, maybe not. Gotta Find that boy a Woman.. At this point in the Genesis account, Abraham is well over 100 years old, and his wife Sarah passed away Genesis 23. So Abraham feels an urgency of finding his son Isaac a wife before his days are over too. How is Abraham going to be the father of a nation with more descendants than the stars in the skies if his son never even goes on a date? "Isaac my son, you need to go outside and stop playing video games all day. Go find yourself a nice Jewish girl, settle down, then go forth and MULTIPLY!" maybe, maybe not If the story in Genesis 24 was today, Isaac may have found the future Mrs. Isaac by checking the church bulletin board, attended a church potluck where the dishes are HOT just like the ladies, or.. used an online dating. Of course at the time of Genesis the choices of internet providers was limited, and their speeds were slow and not reliable. maybe, maybe not.
So... since as described above, dating life in Genesis 24 was a tad primitive Abe decides to help his son out. Oh great, that is just the news any young man wants to hear.. Dad is finding me a woman of my very own. To make this process even stranger-er, Abraham insisted his chief servant 'promise' to find this woman. How is this promise secured you may ask?
No instead Abraham says.. “Hey fella, put your hand under my leg and swear.” <insert dramatic pause here> I beg your pardon? Come again? Is this an advanced version of the old 'pull my finger' joke? maybe, maybe not
But Abraham’s servant does swear to Abraham to follow his instructions and finds the lovely Rebecca. It was truly love at first sight? er aaa.. meet?.. er aaaa… first selection. She agrees to return with Abe's servant and leave her family to marry Isaac. And they all lived happily ever after. Well at least through Genesis 24. After the deal is done.. Abraham gets busy himself. He marries again and his new bride has more 6 kids. Finally at a very youthful age of 175 Abe breathes his last though they say he never did look a day past 155. The lesson I see again in these Genesis stories God is faithful even when we make bad decisions like Abraham. Life will never be about being the perfect Christian. Perfect Christians are like the Loch Ness monster.. folk lore at best.  I pray God finds us faithful, and I pray for His blessings and providence in our lives as we daily love and obey Him with all our heart. Jeff (My wife is NOT my sister) Larson 12/15/2020 Christmas and the F word? First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS wishes to all of you. My prayer is that this is a Christmas where the use of the ‘F-word’ was freely spoken. Of course NOT the ‘F-word’ our post modern culture likes to use the all purpose adjective, BUT RATHER.. family, friends, and faith. But for me I recall just 7 days before Christmas day in 2009 I endured with an evening of ‘Bah Humbug-ness’ with my wife towards each other that if not for this being a Christian newsletter would be called a fight (the other F-word). What’s that you say you NEVER have 'disagreements' with your spouse? <pause> well try selling that line to Santa.  You see in a Christian email I should not admit to using the F-word (fight) unless talking about fighting the good fight, and NEVER regarding fighting with my wife. We .. simply had a disagreement. Nah.. it was a fight. Just 8 days before we celebrated in 2009‘ Joy to the World, the Lord has come’, there was no ‘Peace on Earth or good will to ME’ as my wife Mary and I did not like each other very much. The good news is that we can’t stay mad at each other long, and after our disagreeable evening ‘aka fight’ we actually after now 36 years of marriage have a better understanding of each other. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Of course to avoid throwing gasoline on another potential marital insensitivity fire ‘aka fight’ let me clarify.. In this analogy I WOULD BE THE OLD DOG, and my wife would be anyone else BUT NOT AN OLD DOG… I think she would prefer to be the OLD DOG’S MASTER…and she is.. but I digress..  So while I don’t recall the biblical recording of many marital frowns ‘aka fights’ I am sure they were as real a part of life then as they are now. The only glaring difference is a man in Bible days could go hang out with his sheep without being texted by the little Mrs. to get home and take out the garbage. It was no accident that God created men and women so different. Our emotional wiring and sensitivity differences are intended by God to make married couples better. This truth is not very comforting for those moments when the light at the end of the life’s tunnel is your wife driving a Mack Truck bearing down on you while you stare like a deer in head lights wondering what you did now in your manly insensitive ways that is about to make you marital road kill. Of course I am figuratively speaking, and if you find this Mack Truck analogy literal, then you are married to an over the road trucker..  Marriage bumps ‘aka fights’ will happen but as another Christmas approaches I am so thankful for my family and my wonderful wife. As you can tell I love to joke, and banter, and good natured tease my bride, but she is my best friend... and allows me to sleep inside when I am good. kidding, kidding again.
May God bless each of you this Christmas. I pray any stress, pace, or F-word (fighting) moments fade in the presence of the F-words (family, friends, and faith ) as you celebrate Christ’s birth. Jeff 8/11/2020 I Remember... It's a big day for ME today as August 11th, 2020 is my 36th wedding anniversary. On that day in 1984 Mary Kay Laun said 'YES' (WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!)... and she became my wife. August 11th was a little more hectic 36 years ago. On that day before cell phones with the wedding set for 11 a.m., my groomsmen took me out for breakfast. Well, Mary could not get me on the old landline phone and assumed the worst. Either 1. they kidnapped me, or 2. I got cold (size 12) feet and ran far away. note: I am writing about my wedding anniversary so rest assured I was on time for our 11 a.m. wedding. This morning in contrast, we shared morning coffee and chocolate chip muffins while lounging in our pjs after taking our morning doses of ibuprofen. We did pray together and thanked God for these 36 years which included ups and downs. Those newlywed anticipation of 'starting our lives together butterflys' are replaced with anxious anticipation for those above mentioned chocolate chip muffins. love is still in the air for us two old love birds.. but .. rumor has it.. so is COVID-19. Our plans for 11 a.m. this year is not renewing our vows as the sunsets holding hands exchanging goofy young love grins but instead we visited a local sunflower farm where the above picture was taken exchanging a 'smirking kiss' under our masks safe from the reaches of Covid-19 and Governor Tim Walz mandates. This was followed by fine dining of chic-fil-a for lunch, a walk in the park on this beautiful summer day, and tonight finish our celebration of 36 years of bliss by cooking a steak on the grill tonight at home. But though what happened was 36 years ago.. I do remember
This was my 3 step plan for happiness with Mary as the love of my life, best friend, and a true gift from God.  We filled those 36 years with looks, stares, glares, loving glances, rolled eyes, kisses, quarrels, while raising 3 kids that cluttered up our home with good times, great memories… and lessons learned. Our family titles have included husband & wife, mom & dad, and now.. WE ARE GRANDMA and GRANDPA. Best job ever! So in honor of our Anniversary let me share a few questions that if answered correctly are like … maybe a gift of a 1/2 dozen red roses. <pause> ok I admit they are not like roses, but there are 6 of 'em... and your wife will like you better when you answer correctly. Behold 6.. Simple Answers by Simple Men to Simple Questions by her Q1: Are your pants too tight? A: NO DEAR Q2: Are you listening to me? A: YES DEAR.. your cute little opinion is important to me. (scratch that last part) Q3: Do you have something to say?.. NO .. NOT REALLY Q4: Do I leave the toilet seat up? MAYBE.. um no, the dog did it. Q5: Will I still love you when you are old? MORE THAN EVER Q6: Do you want to go shopping with me? OK.. I GUESS
 So.. in conclusion.. Happy Anniversary to Mary.. and me-self! How time flies when you are marry the right woman. Proverbs 31:10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. Jeff (I found a gem) Larson 7/2/2020 The Return of THIN ICE In my collection of cartoon topics I have boldly cartooned where man should not cartoon.. the topics of dating and marriage. Ok maybe boldly is not the right word .. maybe I foolishly cartoon to a land of THIN ICE. So walk with me today, but tread lightly because.. HELLO.. the ice is THIN... the water is COLD.. and you will go DOWN. THIN ICE is found.. where a man.. 1. Speaks words he should not speak, 2. Does things or does not do things he should or should not do, and/or 3. Thinks things he should not think. SHE WILL KNOW!  You may say well that is confusing. What I say or don't say.. what I do or don't do, and even what I think could put me THIN ICE? Of course for all men who are in or have been in a relationship with a woman you know the answer is YES, but you may not always know how you got there until you hear the ice cracking. Even after being married almost 36 years I still find ways to test for thin ice. Sometimes this is by mistake as 'who can understand the mind of the fairer sex'. side note: Why are women called the fairer sex when guys continue to get in trouble without a definitive list of dos & don'ts, say & don't say.. and thinks. I mean, guys who play sports know the rules, so why isn't that way in marriage? - end of side note -  But back to being married almost 36 years. There are other times where I test the ice and even intentionally step out further on the ice.. knowing it is thin but having a bit of RUSH testing it out. I think I like the feeling of living dangerously.. You know, see how far I can go. But I would not advise this to any man in the first 20 years of marriage .. this is simply too risky. Correction, do not test thin ice in the first 30 years.. ok, don't test it at all, only test thin ice if you consider yourself a professional LIKE ME. It matters not if you are a slender 125 pound fella or a ' big boned' 350 pounds..Both men and all men of all shapes and sizes know.. THE ICE IS THIN & UNFORGIVING. There, I have exhausted my words so let me finish out today's blog with a few illustrations. You know they say a picture is worth 1,000 words. So a cartoon should be worth 250-500 words by my estimate.
For more examples of Man Dancing on Thin Ice.. visit my Dating & Marriage page where life imitates art... or is it cartoon imitates life. May God bless and use each of you today in ways that are beyond your dreams.. even if you wander on THIN ICE. Jeff 6/27/2020 A Woman's Purse I was in our master bathroom where around the bathroom vanity there were 29 separate items.. four of which were mine. I have a razor, toothbrush, deodorant, and toothpaste (the toothpaste I share with my wife).. the rest belong to my bride. Included in the other 25 or so items is a bag of makeup… so in reality the total is much more one sided. BUT.. if I trim my beard and a few whiskers are left around the sink.. the countenance of my bride darkens… but do I ever complain about ‘OUR’ bathroom vanity covered with a cosmetology collective of spray bottles, brushes, lip STUFF, hair dryers and the like?? <pause> Oh wait, I guess I am now.. BUT NOT TO HER FACE… so that does not count.  This brings me to a similar subject .. a ‘WOMAN'S PURSE’. To me this is much like a Magician’s Hat.. where my wife will ask me for example to get her car keys from her purse for her. I cringe as I know THIS WILL NOT BE EASY.. so with my mouth hanging open, and my brow furrowed I look inside into the unending collection of ‘necessities’.. A LADY'S LABYRINTH of no end! Even though her purse is very typical in size.. when you look inside it seems to go on forever. I finally closed my eyes, reached in and pulled out a rabbit, but no car keys. She then smirks, reached in her purse without taking her eyes off me and retrieves her keys with a look that said to me “are you blind?” Another time when looking for a blessed stick of gum I caught a glimpse of what I believe was a secret passage to the Land of Narnia behind her cellphone, tic tacs, and what appeared to be a magnum 44 hand gun.. but I found the gum became distracted and lost sight of this Narnia portal.  Also, there is a third mystery I would like to share..
With my razor, toothbrush, deodorant, and a clean pair of jeans I can be ready for church in less than 15 minutes from shower to starting the car.. while my wife the process is a tad longer.. A REALLY BIG TAD. I mean.. Mary must choose between outfits to wear, and does not use the guy-proven method of preparation which is … wear what is clean OR.. do the quick smell test if we are not sure if that shirt left on the floor the other week is still ok for a little Sunday morning hand raising. Then again, Mary does look and smell better than me... but if it were a race, the safe money is on me. So what is my spiritual message today? <insert refelctive pause here> Maybe if for no other reason man and woman are meant for each other so.. guys don't go to church dressed like the fella in the above picture.. and men are good for woman to.. umm.. to.. umm.. kill protect the fairer sex from mice and spiders? That's all I got, I am drawing a blank. Seriously, may God bless and use each of you today in ways that are beyond your dreams. For you ladies may you find your bathroom vanities whisker free, and your man willing and able to navigate the Estrogen Ocean of your purse without making any comments. Jeff (Survivor on Estrogen Island) Larson 2/15/2019 Birth .. one man's perspective Most every year around this time I like to share the story of the birth of our first born. The birth of each of our children have their own special story, but my son Curtis just had a birthday on February 13th so it is his turn to be remembered in this birth blog. Thirty three years ago my wife and I were anxious parents-2-be expecting our first. We had already made a few typical false alarm trips to the hospital (aka Braxton Hicks practice contractions), but on February 13th, 1986 it was the real deal and life would NEVER be the same.  READY SET GO.. At 12:30 a.m. on February 13th 1986 my wife and I had just headed off to bed for a long winter’s nap. About midnight I arrived home from working the evening shift at my job and was off to bed with my fully 9 months pregnant wife Mary. Before I could even fade into sleep Mary exclaims “My water broke, or I just peed the bed.” So off to the races we headed for the birth of our child #1. BUT FIRST.. We had to stop was for gas as I had not planned on this midnight run to the hospital all while Mary’s contractions were kicking in to gear. NOTE TO SELF: Keep gas tank full when babies are near due date. So we arrive at the hospital ( I ran a few red lights just for added high drama) and the nurses get us settled into our room and notify our doctor. Mary is then hooked up all sorts of monitors including this cool baby monitors that measures the strength of her contractions. COOL..something for me to watch over the next hours. OVER THE NEXT HOURS.. The contractions come and go.. the doctor visits and early on is able to give Mary the drugs of choice to calm the pains. I remember after several of the contractions where Mary seemed to be hurting especially bad I said to her.. “That one was not really that bad it was only a 4 on the monitor.” Shortly later I found out the monitor strap had come loose and was not measuring accurately. NOTE TO SELF: Do not think 'out-loud'. BIRTH CLASS IN ACTION: Mary and I had attended the birthing classes, so I knew to hold her hand and to coach her breathing. Problem was Mary preferred to hold the nurses hands because they were cooler to the touch, and at one point during my breathing she said.. “Quit breathing in my face.” NOTE TO SELF: Quit breathing?? MORE DRUGS .. PLEASE: So the hours move along and it is early morning around 4:30 when Mary pleads with her doctor for more drugs.. but the doc says nope.. too late.. no more drugs for you. At least I was smart enough at this point to not repeat the doctor’s words. I just sat quietly supportive. NOTE TO SELF: Plead Mary’s case for drugs as a sign of being supportive, and ask for some for self as my back is killing me.  THING ARE GETTING INTENSE: Around 8 a.m. the pains are strong, but the process seems to have stalled a bit. So while Mary is in her ‘painful’ holding pattern, the morning breakfast cart rolls around. They peek in and ask sheepishly.. “Breakfast anyone?” There is a momentary silence.. then I finally say.. “Yes, I think I could eat something.” NOTE TO SELF: Next time shout, can’t you see my wife is in labor, and then meet cart in hallway for a secret snack under the guise of chewing them out. So the process continues as I eat breakfast and between bites of food call to my wife with my mouth full.. “push”.. and “remember your breathing.”  FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN: Finally around 10:00 a.m. a child is born and they shall call his name .. Curtis Walter Larson. He is healthy, a bit cone headed but a keeper. After the usual initial checks and I get to cut the cord from 'mothership' Mary we head back to our private room where the three of us mom, dad, and new baby Curt.. all lying in the same bed. And around 12:30 early that afternoon, baby Curt is asleep, I am asleep (and snoring) while Mary lies wide awake with the adrenaline rush of her life.
NOTE TO SELF: I don't know what Mary thinks BUT.. this giving birth thingy is exhausting! So there you have it, BIRTH FROM ONE MAN’S PERSPECTIVE. Now 33 years later we have a son Curtis Walter Larson who has given us both our share of joys and exasperation. NOTE TO SELF: God is good, Mary is wonderful, and Curtis is a son to be proud of. Jeff |
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Back Pew - Draw Close to God
116 pages of cartoons of 'Clean Humor & God's Truth' CRITICS ARE SAYING..
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6/27/2022
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