But I don’t wanna go to Church
Fundamentalists, Progressives, Catholics, Lutherans, those Pentecostal folk, including a few Name it Claim it Prosperity Gospel venues, all doin' their Sunday 'thang'.
As the drinking phrase goes... What's your poison? Ok, poison is not a good analogy except for those 'snake handlers' churches, but the point is now we can go ANYWHERE that fits any denominational bent.
So onward and forward I go, where your stereotypical guy (not me) does not want to go to church. His attitude and thoughts are captured below..
- the 'some guy' Sunday morning monologue
I could tell this was going to be a no-good, very bad day to go to church. Just getting out of bed was tough enough, and then my smartphone (which has replaced the traditional Sunday Paper) is locked & loaded with social media, sports, news, music, movies, podcasts, etc., as well as limitless memes and silly cat videos.
AND... The glorious morning coffee is brewing, and it calls to me too... “Hey, guy, chill. It’s Sunday.” So, I listened to the voices and grabbed my smartphone and a BIG cup of coffee, ready for NO ACTION.
Now I am a ‘good’ Christian man, and know Sunday is the Lord’s Day, BUT sometimes, as the leader of our family, it is ok to declare a ‘FAMILY DAY’ where we stay home from church and spend ‘quality time’ together, bonding.
Ok, ok 'family day' is code for STAYING HOME AND NOT SHOWERING UNTIL NOON… drink a pot of coffee, browse the news, sports, and watch funny cat videos on my phone…. but I digress.
Well, I may be the head of the house, BUT my wife wants no part of 'family day' and she might chop off my head if we stay home. She unexplainably intends for us to leave the comfort of our home to worship and sing with the blessed saints at our church.
Sing? I don’t like to sing, and I know the people I go to church with, and while they are nice.. SAINTS they AINT.
So off we go to church, leaving my Sunday morning paper and my coffee at home. “Goodbye, paper! Goodbye, coffee!”
Next, off we go down that familiar road to that familiar church to see familiar church folk with the backseat of our family car loaded with our darlin’ children who set the mood by bickering and fighting the whole blessed drive to church… I am now SOOO NOT in the mood to worship! All this while, I lament a lost ‘family day. ‘
WELCOME BRUTHA'
We arrive at the blessed house of God and are immediately greeted by overzealous hand-shakers welcoming me like they thought I wanted to be there.
The Fellowship Center has coffee, but it is not STARBUCKS, Folgers, or even SANKA! I like my coffee strong and black (like a middle linebacker), but my church serves it in the traditional big ALUMINUM DRUM that I doubt has been cleaned since the Eisenhower Administration.
This is not real coffee. It is CHURCH COFFEE, but I down a couple of cups of this caffeine fix to stay awake during the upcoming service. However, this comes with some bladder side effects.
We move to the church sanctuary after the formalities of church coffee and semi-stale donut holes. There is no theater seating at our church, but instead, we use traditional wooden (with no pads) church pews where I sit and pray for a sliver-free service. The sanctuary is not really so crowded, but I am a big guy, and the ambiance falls short in comfort to sitting in MY living room drinking MY coffee in MY PJs!! Without the risk of slivers…
BUT I DIGRESS… again!
Our Worship Leader is a bit over the top, and this only draws the ‘worship wonders’ out of the woodwork.
I don’t sing so ‘good’er-er, and my sense of rhythm is that of a badger with back spasms. IT’S NOT PRETTY… But no worry.. we have all the 'charismaniacs' to make up for me… performing, I would guess, for style points.
We have Bullwinkle, the six-shooter, a lady who appears to have WINGS, and then I have to get the seat behind this guy with the plumber’s backside with hands raised high. It is like we are at the ‘Sideshows at the Worship Circus'.
NEXT… The offering/guilt plate is passed, and with a smirk, I say,” No thanks, I am trying to cut back on giving.”
As the offering is collected, I recall we have the ‘Cal Ripken of Ushers’ who should have just taken a sick day instead of infecting and grossing out the parishioners on one communion Sunday, not so many years ago.
Speaking of church pandemics, I also remember the Head lice Epidemic of 2014, which spread through the congregation like a plague in Egypt. This all reminds me why I should be home right now.
PREACH IT BRUTHA'
After the above tithes & offerings are collected, Pastor 'whaz-his-name' saunters up to the pulpit… armed only with one lapel microphone and the word of God.
Pastor's words and mannerisms are direct and passionate, but with his zipper accidentally left wide OPEN, that less-than-holy smirk returns to my face, and I PRAY, “Dear God, please keep me from giggling!” Nothing sounds sillier than a big man giggling at church!
The service ends without incident, and I return home to my 'family day' lost. The magic is gone, and I have missed the start of the Sunday Afternoon game of the week. ARGH!
I do hope and pray there are jewels in my crown someday in Heaven because on this day.. I WAS AT CHURCH worshiping with the ‘sAINTS’ when I wanted to be home worshiping God in my own way with my new VR Church Gaming System.
- THE END of the 'some guy' Sunday morning monologue
Now, I must say again. I am not that guy.
Truth be told, I look forward to Church almost every week. It is the gathering of Christ's followers to first and foremost worship Him and this fellowship of flawed folk is the REAL Church, intentionally loving God, each other, and others as ourselves.
May God bless and encourage each of you today, even if some weeks you resemble the above-mentioned 'anonymous guy'.
Jeff (donning another Pajama Day look) Larson
